It has taken me a second to write on this blog. Our life has changed a lot in this past year. We moved to Oregon so I could take a job. My family left our family and friends behind in the Rockies and to say that it has been difficult would be a bit of an understatement. We struggle with it weekly and without Sonja’s amazing positivity I don’t know if we could do it.
The biggest change for us came on a normal evening after-work walk in our neighborhood in Medford. My dad called me crying and said that he had bad news. I knew it was real bad, because my dad only calls me when it is bad news. My little brother was dead. Killed in a car accident outside of Denver. I cried most of the night and into the next day.
My brother had become my hero. He struggled with addiction. Meth and heroin and anything else he could get his hands on. It consumed him. In the past few years he had got himself sober and was trying to live a productive and meaningful life. The good people at City Electric gave him a chance and an opportunity to better himself with a trade. Fly fishing had become his new addiction, and it too consumed him. I was proud of him. With all the pain in his life he was able to come back from the darkness. A darkness not many make it back from. He helped other addicts with their heavy loads and was genuinely happy. Recovery was difficult for him and we talked about the struggles of it quite a bit while we fished.
He helped us move out here. The last time I saw him in person I dropped him off at the airport in Medford to go home after the move. We cried and hugged. I told him I loved him and thanked him. I think we were both scared in a way. Scared of the changes that had been set in motion. Then he walked through the doors and went back to his life in Colorado. We talked some over the past year, but not as much as we should have. We were both busy with work and trying to survive the best we could. We made plans to fish when I was there and he wanted to come learn to spey cast and learn the patience that is steelhead fishing.
After the funeral I learned that old habits and people from the “good old bad days” had resurfaced in his life. He jumped head first back into his old life and was a total mess. I had no idea and I feel naive and guilty that I didn’t see it. Older siblings are supposed to protect younger siblings and I have failed at that. I failed years ago and I failed again. It hurts.
Here is his obituary.
He was a good brother. He was a good guy with issues a lot like everyone else’s. He made some bad decisions and he paid for them with his life. I forgive him for that. I love him still and it tears me up to know that my son won’t really know him. I’m sad that we will not go through the ups and downs of life together. I’m bummed that I will never step down into a flats skiff with him again. We will never make the hike into Cheesman Canyon or fish the Reef or the Poudre again. When fishing is somewhat your life all we have are the moments together on the water. The fish are just an activity, the doing is what is important.
I feel alone. I think it is important to have people in your life that knew you when you were young and the person who I knew from the day he was born is gone. That is really tough, but things are tough all over.
I keep coming back to a quote by Robert Frost- “In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on. In all the confusions of today, with all our troubles . . . with politicians and people slinging the word fear around, all of us become discouraged . . . tempted to say this is the end, the finish. But life — it goes on. It always has. It always will. Don’t forget that.”
We will heal and we will go on, we will lean into each other but I will never be the same. Erik Aaron Salzburg was my brother and I loved him.
Here is a song that really liked while he was in recovery and will always remind of him.
If someone you know or love is struggling with addiction get help.
CeDar - Center for Dependency, Addiction and Rehabilitation
Choice House - Sober living In Boulder County